capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
They took my balls.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
