The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
