3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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