I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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