You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
