I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
