i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
