Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
This baby is an asshole
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
