she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
