I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize