Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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