I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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