I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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