nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
