I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize