I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
