maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
