I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
