why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
