I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
