um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
