Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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