I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
