The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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