I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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