you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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