Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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