My liver just broke up with me...
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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