Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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