My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
