btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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