you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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