***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Woke up backwards on a recliner
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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