On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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