I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize