I think I died a long time ago.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
