Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
