I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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