Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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