I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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