so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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