Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize