sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
