K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
