my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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