today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
