toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Randomize
