they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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