my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Is it because I queefed?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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