Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
