I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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