god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I think your dad took our porno
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
