Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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