two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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