so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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