The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
