I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
