From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
