you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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