we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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