The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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