matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
