walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
is wine microwaveable?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
