If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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