just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
