i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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